I'll tell you what pain is

No pain like the pain of looking at your child's bald head while the Dr's talk about blood numbers and medicine and you know all he wants to do is play with his friends and feel normal again.

Have some fun?

Can you go out and have fun while your very sick child is home? Everyone wants us to have some normalcy. Go out to dinner, go see a movie, we'll stay with Aidan. Why in the world would anyone say that? "Normalcy" is now gone. For how long I have no idea but gone it is. The nurses in the hospital and the social worker-try and keep as much normalcy as possible. Yeah my kid is hooked up to two different IV lines, one with fluids to keep him alive and the other with poison to kill the evil "C" word. He is peeing every 45 minutes and stayed on the toilet all day yesterday. We have zero privacy and they're taking blood or blood pressure every day all day. Yeah I'll have some normal now. I have to flush two lines everyday at home to prevent disaster and he isn't allowed to visit with anyone who has been near what even resembles a germ. Well it's December so that pretty much eliminates everyone. I have started experiencing unexplainable stiffness in my neck and joints. Stress is eating my stomach alive and when the lights go out at night, the dark, evil thoughts begin. Yeah, I'll try to act normal.

You can't believe this is happening

It happens in a movie. It happens to some poor family in the newspaper or the friend of a friend. Never in 10 million years do you think this is going to happen to your own child. The doctor pulled us out of the room with serious lines etched in her face. She looked me straight in the eye, "It is cancer." The words rushed out of her mouth at the same time she bruskly grabbed my upper arm. It was a gesture of strength on her part as if by grabbing me she was giving me a shot of epinephrine during an allergic reaction. It is a moment I will never forget, played over in my mind every time I look at the remainder of hair-peach fuzz really, left on my nine year old's soft little head. The social worker followed with a private meeting in the pediatric floor play room. "How are you feeling at this moment?" Well, I'll let you know when I wake up because I am having a really bad dream right now. So far I haven't awoken. Mommy, why are you drinking that beer? Cause I don't have anything stronger and the nurse wouldn't give me any of your medicine...