Robin Died

So scared right now for my baby. Robin died. AML killed her. Lord please protect my baby. Please spare him of the suffering and pain she went through. I think she lost you. but I know she found you. Robin, I am so sorry that you had to leave your baby so early. It doesn't seem fair. I am so scared. If you have a visiting spirit, please tell me aidan will be ok. my guts are wrenched. I am tied in knots-his treatment is almost over but so was hers so many many times. He won't make it through all that. I won't make it through all that. Its hard enough watching him now-how will we have the strength to endure all that she endured.

Heavenly Father you are mighty
you are the light of the world
have mercy on us.

Think I'll Cry

Can't look at him these days without a wrenching pain searing through my body. Its like the novacaine has finally worn off and you're left with this ache that nothing can ease except it's in my heart and I can't stop it because its real and its not going to go away. no matter what anyone says. It makes my eyes burn and my throat constrict until I can't breathe. It's a paralizing pain that won't let me do anything else but sit and watch him. I can't take my eyes off of him. I ache and ache. Our lives will never be the same, forever changed by this pain. Why have these new eyes? Why does the Lord ask this of us? My answers come in the Bible. The suffering that must take place now will be rewarded double when this is over. For Aidan it may be an afterlife in the Celestial Kingdom with our Heavenly Father. For me it will be the gift of his healing and long life.

The Crow

There's a crow who lives in the tree next to our house. Dana Crow. He comes and goes but I see him daily. He feels somewhat like a pet because his dwelling is part of ours. Some days he hops around on the ground in search of food, his black shiny feathers reflecting morning sun. Crow Business. Other days he has some unknown particle in his sharp beak and he hides it in his tree, saving it for future use. Crow Bank. I read once that crows were extremely territorial and smart. He seems to be both. When we came home Saturday, there was a tiny mutilated baby bird head on the stairs leading to our front door. Crow Dominance. Trash days are his favorite. He and his buddies travel the cans, pillaging the stuffed and overflowing ones for anything they can find. Crow entertainment. By the time the truck comes to purge the smelly cans of their waste, the crow party has littered the streets, pieces of plastic trash bags, paper cups, empty egg cartons and the such. Crow tracks. I remember when Aidan was in Kindergarten, the children were required to bring their lunches not in paper sacks but hard lunch boxes because the crows were notorious for silently pecking through to the glorious treasures of peanut butter and jelly and Doritos not in their original foil but lovingly packed by a five year old mother's loving hands in a baggie to save money and unnecessary calories. Crow Snack. Last year I waited for Aidan after school in my car near some trees in the parking lot. The crows conversed loudly each and every day. Their different calls and cahoots meant something important to crows, the language I do not know.They usually sounded bossy. Crow talk. When I die, I wand to come back as a Crow. Crow reincarnation.

I'll tell you what pain is

No pain like the pain of looking at your child's bald head while the Dr's talk about blood numbers and medicine and you know all he wants to do is play with his friends and feel normal again.

Have some fun?

Can you go out and have fun while your very sick child is home? Everyone wants us to have some normalcy. Go out to dinner, go see a movie, we'll stay with Aidan. Why in the world would anyone say that? "Normalcy" is now gone. For how long I have no idea but gone it is. The nurses in the hospital and the social worker-try and keep as much normalcy as possible. Yeah my kid is hooked up to two different IV lines, one with fluids to keep him alive and the other with poison to kill the evil "C" word. He is peeing every 45 minutes and stayed on the toilet all day yesterday. We have zero privacy and they're taking blood or blood pressure every day all day. Yeah I'll have some normal now. I have to flush two lines everyday at home to prevent disaster and he isn't allowed to visit with anyone who has been near what even resembles a germ. Well it's December so that pretty much eliminates everyone. I have started experiencing unexplainable stiffness in my neck and joints. Stress is eating my stomach alive and when the lights go out at night, the dark, evil thoughts begin. Yeah, I'll try to act normal.

You can't believe this is happening

It happens in a movie. It happens to some poor family in the newspaper or the friend of a friend. Never in 10 million years do you think this is going to happen to your own child. The doctor pulled us out of the room with serious lines etched in her face. She looked me straight in the eye, "It is cancer." The words rushed out of her mouth at the same time she bruskly grabbed my upper arm. It was a gesture of strength on her part as if by grabbing me she was giving me a shot of epinephrine during an allergic reaction. It is a moment I will never forget, played over in my mind every time I look at the remainder of hair-peach fuzz really, left on my nine year old's soft little head. The social worker followed with a private meeting in the pediatric floor play room. "How are you feeling at this moment?" Well, I'll let you know when I wake up because I am having a really bad dream right now. So far I haven't awoken. Mommy, why are you drinking that beer? Cause I don't have anything stronger and the nurse wouldn't give me any of your medicine...